Death…What A Trip

This last week with the horror of what happened in Haiti in HD for the world to see, you realize how fragile life really is….how little control we humans have… Even if we recycle, are fabulous and shit tiffany cufflinks, even if we pay Al Gore for our carbon footprint, we live our lives each day knowing that we will not always be leaving a footprint.
just the way it is

Death… It’s in the best of times, only in the back of our minds but ..its always there…its a date we have to keep…no matter who the hell we are…how much money and power we have…Death is as sure a thing as rationing of healthcare will be if Obama and Coakley get their way… We live with what Aristotelian philosopher’s called “angst”. The “fear of going out of existence” That is the way it is and there is nothing you or anyone else can do about it.
Sucks man…really

The last year I have witnessed a lot of death first hand. Not just going to wakes and funerals, but actually being there …saying goodbye….watching as each breath gets longer and more difficult. Old folks, well you expect it at a certain point…even welcome it. Age is of course a terminal diagnosis in and of itself, I mean no matter how many vegan meals you eat or how much green tea you drink when you are in the twilight of a long life you go backwards as quick as a baby goes forward. The difference between and 84 year old and an 87 your old can be as dramatic as the difference between a new born and a three year old toddler. Waiting for an old timer to finally kick can also be like waiting for a baby to walk. …they are close….there they go and then nope….close….close again. It can take days but the one guarantee is it happens…it’s inevitable. I also happen to think its perfect…but that’s not my point here today…get into that another time.

Sure accidents and tragedy happens, as we witnessed this week, and yes many are blessed, I think, with “sudden” death. Yet more and more of us get to say goodbye. Especially as medicine and technology improves, we’ll get to be involved in the the details of our own final audios….In fact lots of folks I’ve known actually planed their own funerals….right down to who the ushers are…wild.

Most of these folks too, i noticed chose to die at home, around their family…tough stuff man..Don’t get me wrong, I think its great to die at home for the departed, But I also think it ruins the house for those left behind. I mean think about it….How could it ever be the same? If it were me left behind, every time I would go into the room I would picture them there…not how they were alive, but there in the last moments of of their lives….which is never pretty.For me the choice would be simple. Sell the house immediately and move on….Like the next day. It could never be the same….never.

With that in mind, I have decided that should I be one o the ones that gets put on notice….if the doctor tells me one day “Mike, if I were you I wouldn’t buy any green bananas” well I want to die as far away from the family homestead as possible . I never want anyone left behind to be uncomfortable…I want them to remember the good times, not the gasps.
In fact I want to die in a place that sucks….A place where no one should ever have to go…

Yes everyone I want to die in Walmart.. preferably the one in Tewksbury…

I always wanted to visit a third world country without traveling and trust me this place is as close as you can get. So as I start to breathe my last put me in a truck and take me on over…please??

On the way there might as well go through the drive through at McDonalds ok?? I want my last meal to suck too…I mean if I’m croaking why not take some shitty food with me?? Right?…that’s the way I figure it. … If I am having trouble communicating at that point…don’t worry, just biggie size the meal and shove it down my throat.

After the golden arches and before the pearly gates, you might want to take me for a gurney ride through the Home Depot…another China loving monster that killed main street America.
God do they suck….Has anyone ever bought anything there that was actually worth a shit??…every year I need a new shovel, because the one I got the previous year didn’t make it to St Paddy’s day… When i was a kid we had the same shovel for twenty years…i mean what the hell??

While at the “Depot’ please take me down to the part of the store where they sell toilets will you?? After all i just did eat at Macadoos.. Pick me up and put me on one….I’d like to leave my final calling card there too..

Then for the finale, yes, off to Walmart…If you can have the fat lady, one of the “greeters” in the front of the store, smother me with her tent sized ass cheeks, or she could try and breast feed me…yea that would kill me….No I guess you can’t do that, it would be “cruel and unusual” and hell i’m not a monster…OK then take me to the SODA isle… now there you go….Hook me up with one of their 2 gallon jugs of imitation “cola” .its only $199….pour all that shit into my IV bag…then Leave me there…my eyes will now, i’m sure, be rolling in the back of my head…now quickly run down to the audio section and get the biggest boom box you can find , bring it over put it next to my head and play some rap music…play it loud….this will likely finish me off.

If a crowd gathers….tell them your filming an episode of CSI Miami…Trust me there won’t be an IQ above 30 in the place or a full set of teeth for that matter…they’ll buy it.

When “fitty cent “ does his thing and I’m finally gone…dress me in some of Walmart’s finest “puritan clothes” will you? I don’t think the fashion world will miss them.
Then bury me in a Ford Focus up in Dracut….Dracut blows and yea The Ford Focus, what a piece of shit…it will probably decay quicker than I will.

After it is all over…go home and enjoy the house…drink some great beer, some Boston ale…drink some red vintage, we are usually stocked with Italians….eat some prime beast flown in from Tip Top…put on some rolling stones….”Spider and the fly” The stripped version.
Hell yes,

Enjoy the house people and remember I’ll be seeing you again …
guaranteed.

Panera in Pleasantville…

So I’m down at Panera Sunday doing some work, enjoying my coffee…stone cold chillin here in Pleasantville.  A group of women sitting next to me talking to, and about each other each time one of them left…unbelievable….same crap continued into midlife from the school yard…man women can be so tough on each other. Gobs of cream cheese on their bagels,  just shitting on their so called friends. They had come from a yoga class as was evident by their clothes and the mats on the floor..not one of them I wanted to imagine in any type of yoga position…they all looked like the only position they could hold with an conviction was the one they were in..sitting on their asses. No wonder why so many married guys get ED ..Not a problem with single guys ever notice that? You get married and one day she wakes up looking like an Eddie Murphy character…ass like a sack of onions.

The research is conclusive… SOOAS in women leads to Erectile dysfunction in men.  SOOAS in case your wondering stands for “Sack Of Onion Ass Syndrome  Anyway, the want to be cougars finished their coffee …thank God,  and off they went into the world to continue being fabulous.

No sooner were they pounding the pavement, than in walks a  group of mostly guys….all in cheap suits with ties,  couple of women with them, dressed like they were auditioning for little house on the prairie…They all had lousy haircuts and that thousand yard stare of a cult member…
Yes, the Jehovah’s witnesses were getting a caffeine fix…apparently this is their meeting spot before they go out an harass Pleasantville
I tried to avoid any eye contact with them…not sure what it is, but I’m like a homing beacon to these freaks.
Of course Didn’t take them long to rifle in on me..easy target as I was alone.
One of the women got up and approached me… “Just like to give this to you sir” she put a pamflet in front of me.
“thanks” I said.
They were all quite pleased with her initiative…getting after it right there in the coffee shop…all of them watching her approach, listening to her pitch,  and my reaction of course.  All smiling the same smile, like they had one brain in common and shared it.
“Can I ask you a question”? she continued.
Was on the tip of my tongue to Brick Top her…“No you can’t, now fuck off” but of course I didn’t “sure go ahead” I said instead.
“What does the lord have in store for you today”? She asked like she had rehearsed the line a thousand times.
“Laundry” I said.
They all laughed…nervously and in unison.
She continued….“ Well, we believe that God has a plan for all of us and that if we listen to him and pray we will get eternal life, as it was meant to be in the beginning” she said.
I figured I would end this quick, by getting down to their level of banality right out of the gate…
“Nice” I said.  “I believe in the Wizard of OZ and that I personally am a direct descendent of the tin man….my wife descends from Glenda the “good witch” and her sisters from the wicked witch of the west.” One of whom” I continued  “is circling over San Diego right now on her broom looking for her ruby slippers…The other, sadly died last week when someone dropped a house on her. I’m here waiting for the munchkins…they promised to start me off today on the yellow brick road.”
They all laughed again, but the conversation was over.
I dismissed her…just was not in the mood to continue….“You have a nice day” I said in my best Trader Joe’s voice,
Off she went…soon after they all split and went to proclaim the good news….God bless em.

She left the pamphlet behind of course ‘ Watchtower”  I thumbed through it quickly. This particular edition was all about creationism with pictures of Adam and Eve and the serpent. Dora the explorer makes more sense…I mean they actually believe that despite scientific evidence,  the world is only 6000 years old….so much for the Triassic period I guess. There are those that believe, Not just the JW I might add,  that the writings of Genesis were not just a series of stories told to explain existence to a messianic, nomadic culture…but rather that it actually happened as it is written…I’m serious…

Well with that said, Lets take a reasonable peak at Creationism , shall we?  Using a bit of common sense?

To be continued..

Things are too sweet at Trader Joe’s

Went for a drive back to Carlsbad today…. checked out the waves at Navy Beach…beautiful day. I’ll miss certain things about this place and of course most of all the ocean. The pacific is amazing…not great for fishing however…no way like the coast of New England. I always see a bunch of Mexican dudes with buckets  and huge casting rods, but never really seen any of them catch anything…saw one of them once fumbling with something in his hands, I wanted to see what kind of fish it was so I walked over…ended up being a big ass burrito..
The waves were great today…not a lot of people on the beach..was perfect.
I’ll miss it.

On the way back to RB I decided to stop by Trader Joes …great place. Their prices, especially on wine are incredible.

One thing I’ve notice is that all the employees, even the checkout people , they are all middle age clean cut mostly white folks and they are all very happy. Back east, Market Basket for example, it’s usually High school kids and they are miserable.  Go there with Joe Healy and he knows all the check out people and baggers, and they can’t wait to get the hell out of there…  

Have you ever noticed , as an aside, and this goes for either coast, you don’t see black people checking or bagging groceries??…think about it..Can’t say as I have ever seen a brother bagging… I think its due to temptation, and as Harry said long ago, “a mans got to know his limitations”….I mean there they are by the door…full bag of vitals in their hands…hell those guys are going to run for it…its just instinct, and you know dam well right ain’t no ones gonna catch em…

Just kidding, i’m 20% african american so i can joke…But seriously ..I think there was a meeting, maybe the same one where they decided it’s cool to have your pants falling off so folks can see you huggies, It was decided, then and there, “fuk that job..No way brothers doing it…let the white man bag his own freakin groceries”…
Frankly I agree with them…i bagged as a kid and it sucks..

But not Trader Joes…these middle age white folks seem to love it…they are happy as hell….its crazy….too freaking happy….some of them just so sicky sweet you’d think they shit Hershey kisses… “How are you today!!!” said this one blonde women this morning to the guy in front of me….i’ve seen her before  ”You’re having a barbecue!!…Ohh goodie gum drops!!…good for you!!!…Oh that wine you have!!!…sooo good!!!, save me a glass please!!!…” I mean what do you say to that??
 “Sure I will”  he said awkwardly.

I mean this chick is annoying everything she says it’s like she is having an orgasm at the same time…and its not just her, I’ve noticed it’s the company culture, now matter which trader Joes you go to…they all sound like they want to spin you around, drop to their knees and kiss your arse.  I don’t get it, its a shit job..i mean it isn’t some vegan all organic free range cult store..If it was, I could understand it because while their bagging at the same time they feel like they are “saving the planet”. No this is Trader Joes, most of the food is conventional , so why so happy?

It was my turn in line Oh Christ, here it comes… “How are you today!!!”
Usually of course I’d just smile and say fine..BUT today I thought i’d mess with her.
”Not great” I said.
“ Oh really” she said only half listening….
“Yea” I continued, “My wife has the  swine flu and ran off with the Mexican Gardner she caught it from, and well frankly, I’d give anything for a good bowel movement today, I’m a bit backed up..BUT, How are you?”

There ware a long pause….“AH fine” she said.
Three or four people in line all heard me…they all were in shock…the guy bagging…white guy of course…too close to the exit to be fast, he was laughing…
“I’m kidding” I said. “You guys are always so happy here…what gives?  is there a bong full of TJ dank in the back room”
She was pisssed.
“Its our company culture sir”….no orgasm this time…now she was real.

“Oh” I said  “I figured it had to be….Well you do such a wonderful job and Yawl have a nice beautiful day!!!”  I said to everyone in line that heard me.


The bagger was really laughing now, as was i…i made a quick exit…
Hey I have no problem with being nice, but too nice and your insincere, and as the old man use to say and I quote..


” Mikey, there is a difference between scratching your ass and rippin it to pieces”

Well think about it Trader Joe..OK?


I still think there is a bong in the back room full of California Kush…has to be.

RIP Mark Samoline

Good friend of mine from college took his own life earlier this week. He drove to a hotel near his house, checked in, and with the use of a piece of rubber hose, plastic bag, duct tape and a tank of a helium gas checked out and off the planet. Mark was a very successful executive at UPS and a Marine Corp Cournal in the reserves. A great guy…totally buttoned up and never in a million years would I have thought he would take his own life. All of us who knew him over the years as both a fellow student and as many did, a great marine are stunned.

He was seperated from his wife, ended up in bed with a 21 year old women. Big deal, it happens. The girl got up in the morning, cried fowl, that she had been “raped”. Mark was arrested, posted bond and hired legal council, all the while maintaining his innocence, that the sex was consensual, and he was fully cooperating with the police in their investigation.

Innocent of not, Mark was finished…UPS put him on administrative leave… ass holes on the blogosphere put him on trial. His reputation was ruined and the hopeless depression of losing everything in life he worked so hard for, career, his family and reputation…well it drove him to the point of insanity…premeditated self destruction of your own life in the absence of any terminal illness…well it is insane.

The question here is where the hell was the presumption of innocence? As word got out UPS screwed him, administrative leave…please..stain on them…..the blogosphere was buzzing, all burying him online, Nancy Grace style, in an attempt to drum up page views.

I know this guy…as do many of my buddies…I would guarantee with my life that there was no way in hell he raped that girl…I can state this with mathematical certitude…no way.

What probably happened? Sex between consenting adults, thats what happened….she wakes decides for whatever reason to take advantage of the situation by crying rape.

If you are a man…Once you are accused of rape, the details don’t really matter…. you are pre judged…stained forever..you are toast..professionally and socially.
It’s ridiculous..I think it is getting to the point where you will need notarized consent in writing before you close the door to the bedroom….with even your wife.
Don’t get me wrong..there is no worse violent crime than a true rape…right up there with child molester to me…but this girl was not raped….even if she had been drinking can she jump into bed,  and then change her mind once sober with the act already over? 
Bottom line to take a guy with an impeccable record and literally crucify him before all the facts come out is in a word….bullshit.

All those involved…that were so ready to accuse and ruin this guy..all those page view counters on the internet, the so called victim..well you need to live with it..Lets see how many of you come out with the story once his name is cleared..and trust me, he will be cleared

Today is his funeral…i can’t make it but my thoughts are with the family and his good friends.
We lost a great citizen this week…a great man , great dad ….a great human being.

RIP Sammy

Organic Free Range Heirloom Tomatoes…Please

So the other day I’m walking through the plaza and I pass a farm stand…this lady calls out over to me “check out my heirloom tomatoes”.
At first I thought I was back in Vegas, but no I was in front of Jimbos here in RB, an organic food supermarket…kind of the whole foods of San Diego. 
I checked them out, she had nice tomatoes.

The name Jimbo’s is all wrong isn’t it?. ..I mean you would think it would be package store or an auto body shop, not the vegan haven of southern California, but nonetheless if your in the market for some “tofurki” for the holidays, then not only are you a pussy, chances are you shop at Jimbo’s. 

“Organic” food as opposed to conventional, is big business today and has really gone mainstream across the country. In theory its great and it’s the way all food was grown 70 or so years ago….Consumers are willing to pay more for it, which is fair as it is more difficult to raise, but what I have always wondered is how the hell are the standards associated with organic, how are they enforced? 

“Free Range’ is another term you hear that hurts your wallet. “Free Range”, wow, you get the feeling that the chicken was riding herd with John Wayne on the open prairie just before it got its head handed to it…like there ought to be a Tom Petty song….”’I’m a free….free…. range chicken” well fuck me, how do I really know that it wasn’t some Abu ghraid chicken raised in a cage all its life?

Think about it…

Yea they tell you the chickens run around and as such won’t be as plump…whatif it was just a lazy fat body chicken that wasn’t into sports in the yard? Still free range, right? 
You have to think about these things people…how do we as consumers really know?

“Grass fed”…ok I get that, as opposed to grain fed or hay and soy fed…makes sense, yet I’ve never met anyone on the Grass Fed police department, have you?

But the grand daddy of all these marketing ploys has to be the newest one and the hottest one “heirloom”. I mean this chicks tomatoes…were they passed down from generation to generation? Did her grandmother put them in her “Hope Chest” or “glory Box” as they call it….glory box?? What the hell…I thought that was part of the female anatomy and meant to cause wood, not a chest created by it..

Yea, I know what they tell you, that “heirloom” seeds do in fact have to be passed down for at least fifty years with an organic history, .but come on really…you think there might be a bit of fraud here? Maybe some false advertising to bring her juicy ones up to three bucks a pound more than even the organic??? You think?

I asked her about her it..”They look great “ I said, “but how do I really know their Lineage?” She looked confused and I realized within a nana second that her tomatoes probably had a higher IQ than she did…but they were nice tomatoes so I bought two of them…I squeezed them first…they were ripe.

Take Organic coffee from Columbia…now that as always tripped me out. Who the hell is going to down there to make sure that Juan Valdez is not using pesticides? Do you think some dude from the USDA shows up on a donkey?? Please. And do you think poor Juan Valdez really gives a shit? I mean there he is picking beans for a living..probably has 20 kids and lives in the back of a bus….I can just imagine “Hey amigos, be careful man…don’t mix up the conventional beans with the organics man”…yea right. Its probably more like, “Ha amigos, the gringos want some organic beans” as they all unzip and piss all over them.

Consumers are such suckers….”fair trade” another one…please. Up in the liberal capital of California , SF, there are coffees that sell for 40 bucks a pound…thats right, 40 bucks a pound!! ”Columbia, certified organic fair trade coffee”. Great, so Juan finally got a good deal for his beans…that’s nice. I can feel good when I buy that coffee, I mean Nancy Pelosi does. So at least while I’m being bent over and greased up I can feel really good that Wan and his shorties can finally move out of the buss and into a shack and …yea, I had something to do with it…how nice.

I’ll go back to that farm stand again this weekend…she did have nice tomatoes
I’ll probably pick a nice free range chicken out tonight and roast it with some organic red potatoes.
The cup of coffee I drink tomorrow will probably help green peace who knows…maybe save a whale or too.
After all I’m becoming much more of a democrat lately.
I’m such a sucker..

Don’t Park Your Ass in The Big Room

There is nothing considered more ignorant and rude than parking in a handicap spot. Not only is it the most expensive ticket you can get, even more than some moving violations, it is also socially unacceptable nearly to the point of being a hate crime…worse almost than using the “N” word. I mean it is bad…real bad….as well it should be. I remember one time being on the road with the show and I was pulling a 25’ trailer. I pulled into a massive Wall mart parking lot at about 7 in the morning…My trailer was taking up one of the disabled spots on the end and I didn’t notice it. When I got back I was chastised by some middle age women…”How dare you” she started in on me. I immediately apologized, because I honestly felt bad myself..even thou there were enough empty handicap spots to park the entire special Olympics, I still felt like an ass…you all know…this is just something you don’t do.

Even If you are just parked in one, and you’re sitting in the car and its still running that is just as bad. I mean what is the worse that can happen at this point??… if you see Helen Keller pulling up, or anyone with a plate for whatever the reason, you can just pull out of the way, BUT no way man , not acceptable. ..It is just wrong.

Personally, I even go so far as to walk around a handicap parking space rather than through one possibly messing up someone who might be honing in on one.
These spots people…well they are sacred ground…as they should be

And its the same with boats..Buddy of mine owns a yaught and he told me they have special slips for disabled boaters and its just a mortal sin to use one, with a big ticket if you don’t have the plate.

So if this is the case, Why is it then that no one seems to have a problem using a handicap bathroom?

I don’t get it. If your disabled, Isn’t taking a dump a bit more urgent than docking your boat or parking your car? You think? 

Yet there is no social indignation associated with this at all..in fact it is really quite acceptable. Me, I never use one…I just don’t like to be sitting on the throne in a bigger room than is necessary…not sure why, I just feel like I don’t need room for more than one in a place like that…but other folks…others who would never think of using a handicap parking spot …seem to have on problem at all using their designated bathroom facilities…..

So Friday night I’m out with J.O., down for a snifter at the only decent restaurant in this yawn of a town. I had eaten some turkey balls a few hours earlier…when I say turkey balls I mean meatballs made out of turkey, not a pair of gobbler’s testicals. I sit down at the bar to enjoy a single malt when all of a sudden it felt like an IED went off in my stomach….This was bad, I started to sweat and I knew my time was limited, and that those turkey balls were about to make an exit. I excused myself immediately and hurried through the crowded restaurant in search of the Men’s room….I get there, two stalls …the regular one occupied….great….the only one available….the big one… I hesitated…but now it had turned to “Shock and Awe” inside me, I had no choice for a shart was eminent…I closed the door and popped a squat. 

I made it….What a sense of relief, and even though I had won the battle I knew I had yet to win the war…. I might be here for a while I was thinking…I grabbed the sports page and settled in….wondering how many guys actually get savvy on football while taking a shit, and do I really want to be handling this newspaper?. I Hear a flush, the guy next to me finishes. The bathroom door opens and closes….The next thing I know there is knock on my stall, I puckered up like a new convict in the shower room….”almost done??” I hear in an agitated voice…I look down and can’t believe what I see… a pair of wheels.

The battle for Felusia was brewing inside me but what the hell was I suppose to do?? I had no choice…i had to move next store…i looked down and saw that in fact the stall next to me was available..I made my move, opened the door to this guy staring up at me..I had no idea what to say…it was a very awkward moment. “I was just warming up the seat for you” I said awkwardly. ”No problem” he said as he wheeled on in…”It happens all the time” …God I felt like an ass.

I sat down on a warm seat that had been next to me….gross. I finished up.
Went back to the scotch at the bar.
I saw the dude wheel by a few minutes later…
That is the last time I use the big house…and a little advice people don’t eat undercooked turkey balls.

The Worst Job in The World

I think there is no doubt about it the worst job in the world has to be a bathroom attendant….you’ve seen them, some sorry sunabitch who has to stand in the can at some fancy restaurant and hand you your paper towel, a sprits of cologne maybe, in the old days a choke…what a shit, pun intended, job. The polar opposite ends of society meeting in the shitter., the have and the have nots, different sides of the track….good God man think about it…and one of the only things they have in common takes place in the very room their meeting in. 

Another thing..the bathroom is a place you really don’t want an audience, especially some dude that is dedicated to being in there…..i mean he is listening, observing everything…this can lead to stage fright and the old sphincter can pucker up tighter than a snare drum…know what I mean?

Bathrooms are just gross, and bottom line the thought of working in one for tips….money tips that is…is just beyond the pale.

I’m sure these “Johnny Keepers” observe some nasty folks for certain….some people’s personal hygiene habits are just disgusting. I remember walking into a bathroom out here in Vegas a while ago, I was at the the Venetian..this guy just finishing at the urinal, he sees me walking in and before he gets to the sink reaches out and Grabs my hand..”Hey Mike, How you doing…haven’t seen you in ages”…I stood there grossed out as I realized the last thing that was in the hand I was shaking had also just been shaken …the guy was a tool too…I had to make small talk with him all while I had, for sure, his DNA on my hand….how gross is that?.

So anyway last night at the Mirage…out to a great steak house and sure enough in the bathroom is some poor dude…and now that I’m thinking like a democrat lately, I really felt bad for this guy…he had a jacket and hat on…”Hello sir he said” in broken English as I walked in…just then some fat slob exists from one of the stalls, the attendant stands prepared with paper towel in hand…“all set”,the guys says does not wash his hands, takes a hit of anus mist cologne instead and out the door he goes…so he just wipes his fat ass, no cleansing and back to his cowboy steak…disgusting. 

Anyway, I finished, washed my hands as my mother taught me, took my towel from Pedro, name was on his badge …reached into my wallet and dropped a finski in his tip jar….”how much doe could he make in a night Pedro” I asked as another loud flush echoed in the all tile room. “ I can make fittyy or sixty dollars in tips sir” he said as he offered me my choice of cologne..”all set” I said …just then I heard a fart…I’m serious… that sounded like a cross between tearing a sheet and a bong rip, as some carnivore emptied his colon…poor Pedro frowned as he reached for the can of air freshener….God I felt bad for this poor guy ….had to be my age…I looked at the stuff he had there to give away….condoms, of course ,this is Vegas…all kinds of cologne…antacids in tablet form..he had quite the little set up.

“Take care’ I said as I left. I went back to the table….salad had just arrived…i lost my appetite …then I had an idea….Stinch was with me…”stinchy, I’m swapping places with the bathroom attendant for a while, I want to mess with people that come in” .” Stinch asked me how much I had to drink…just a couple of vodka tonics I was fine really…”stay right here, I’ll tell Pedro where we are sitting, he’ll have on my suit coat and buy him a drink”…

I walked back in to the can. “Perdo, why don’t you take a break” I said as I slipped a 50 dollar bill in his hand…”let me take over for a while” ‘NO no sir” he said, I can’t do dat…at all sir…” I told him just for a few minutes, we could swap jackets, told him where I was sitting…”look “ I said “I’m doing some research for a paper I’m writing…any problem I’ll talk to you boss, don’t worry about it” I helped him off with his jacket put mine on him took his hat and out the door he went”…
It was quiet….no one there..

I walked around like a cop on the beat…checked the stalls…then back to my perch by the sink…trying to think how the hell I was going to play this one…just then the door opens and three high roller gang banger types stroll in …talking Jive as they start draining their veins…” as they finished it hit me…What could b most offensive?…I figured I’d put on my gay voice….”Here you go guysss” I said…they all washed their hands “you need to stay clean and if you ever need any help let me know” They looked at me weird.. Just then an old guy walked in. “Thanks” said the black guys as they dropped a fin in the jar…..”NO” I said….thanks to you ever so much”

Couple of minutes go by…The old guy was till there…taking forever…finally done he walks over..washes…”You know” I said “not eating meat will help you with that problem”..”Excuse me”?? he said. “Don’t fuss” I said like a homo “couldn’t help but notice how long it took for you…a vegan diet will really help you out”……Guy looks at me I’m thinking this could go sideways…”Thanks” he said and put a twenty in Pedro’s jar!!…figured he had to be an old queen..crazy.

I had had enough..knew if I stayed much longer I’d get poor Pedro in trouble and me busted…Pedro came in…”Im gonna bet in trubbble man”
“ I know”I said..”me too.made you some cash” I told him as I pointed to the jar..He was smiling..I put on my coat and out I went back to the other side of the tracks.

Just another resume piece I guess..

I am So Blessed !!

 

Moved in to a new pad a few months ago when everyone headed back east…two bedroom condo in a nice hood, close enough to work to walk. The town is Ranch Bernardo and the neighborhood is called 4S ranch…what a yawn. 

There isn’t a tree around me that is older than 5 years…everything here is planned and planted…the buildings all perfect and new, the roads wide and straight…no trash in the streets..perfect little neighborhood with perfect little people walking around…it sucks….mostly.

I went back a few weeks ago, quick trip to Lowell, and God is was good to see some trash in the streets, not just talking about people either. Went to Marketbasket…it still sucks, same annoying voice on the PA “Two fa one loaves of won-daa bread here today stretch yur dollaa and save…and only today special on caarvelle ice cream cakes too” …same shitty lighting down there too…Christ you think its bright enough?? Does anyone look good in that place?? Everyone looks like there on Chemo …everyone as pale as the produce section….I can’t believe I miss the place.

Anyway . Its was great to be back…didn’t get chance to see a lot of people, quick trip but good to get the hell out of Pleasantville for a while.

Not that Pleasantville is without diversity…No its actually factored in out here…planed and planted just like the trees. Out here too, every apartment complex has a certain amount of units that are “Section 8”…reserved for low income folks….i mean hell they deserve a piece of paradise too right?? Anyway I’m surrounded by them on all sides and seriously, have no problem with it at all….not really. 

The lady right next to me, you walk out my door and your looking into hers, she is about 50 years old…Big lady, two kids and she takes care of her mother who has Alzheimer’s disease, another big lady…I mean they both would have to hire a tent maker for a pair of custom made panties….anyway the landlord told me all about her before I moved in…said she was a “sweetheart” 

Only a couple days in and I met her…her name is Ashanti..”Hey you” I hear through my screen door. I introduced my self, shook her hand and said “how are you” and she started in..

”Ohh I’m blessed, I am so blessed….yes the lord dun shine his love and good graces down upon me and mine and we are blessed…iz a Christian women ya see”. . .”Yes” I said. “My mom lives with us and she got a case of the gout you know, and poor thing she ain’t right in the head…she got da…you know..dat can’t get right in da head disease poor thing”. “Alzheimer” I said. “Yes, that be what it is…but trust me da lord is taking care of us. ummm hmmm.”

Just then her mom came around the corner…the exact same women only 20 or so years older….”dis my mama” Ashanti said. “Hi” I said , how are you?” “I is Blessed” she chimed back…same voice but twenty or so years older…Da lord dun taking care of me and mine and da kingdom of da Lord awaits me…sure as I stand here” “That’s great” I said…”good for you” “Now moma” Ashanti said “ you go in and rest iz be right in” I could hear the TV as she went through the door…loony tunes was on…perfect I thought…

What followed…i swear was a verbal assault….Ashanti started in on all the problems she was having with her family, her son, her childrens…it was endless. “I’z had a stroke a couple years ago and since den been hard Mike you know…and my no count husband..hell he comes around only when he wants me to back dis thang up” and she hit herself on her ass…I’m serious. I was in shock…I got a visual…i mean when this woman walks it looks like two elephants fighting under a blanket…..Back that up, Christ you would need a permit, and have to roll her in flour. ”I’m sorry” I said…

“Anyway” she continued, “I wuz wondering if yuz be kind enough to give me a ride to da bank…good God its so hot out dare today…and then to the grocery store…gots to pick up a few things”
Just then my nephew Jordan came in…Thank God.

“I can’t” I said “but Jordan, can you give Ashnati I ride to the bank and the grocery story real quick”
“Sure” he said as she introduced herself. He was stoned so I thought this would be perfect.

Poor kid was gone for two hours..and when he came back she had bought him a watermelon, the size of a baseball…no shit, and a box of Jiffy Corn Bread for his trouble…When I first saw the watermelon I thought it was her moms medication in the form of suppository….nope it was a watermelon…Jordan scooped out about one table spoon of fruit..

After the initial excursion at least twice a week she asks for a ride….I have to try and sneak out I swear or its “hey you” 
I keep telling her I have to get to work, I’m busy….couple of times she got Stinch when I wasn’t around to drive her big ass….

But that all ended on Saturday night last week…when in Pleasantville of all places, someone stole my car…right out in front of the place….bummer but I can walk to work, and was selling the car anyway…

It was probably that useless husband of hers after stoppin by for “sum of dat ass”…or “dat no count teenager” son she told me bout…who knows to be fair…might have been some Irish Leprecon who was bounding through Pleasantville..But I tell ya now not having wheels and not having to shut her down…well honestly…..
I’m feeling blessed.

SO tired of the LOL’s…Enough…..Please

Think about it people how many times do you “laugh out load”?? Seriously.
I am so sick of LOL… OMG enough already…if your reading and laughing out load get some help will you??

Every time I see it I get a visual of the person on the other end typing and pissing themselves as they gyrate up and down hysterically …not everything is that funny…really and the HAHAHAHA..what the hell is up with that??..one would be enough don’t you think? Ha..or may haha..but too many and you appear retarded.
There are so many more descriptive terms that we could shorten that would really mean something on FB….think about it.
For example , JHDNA “Just Hit Destroyer Now Annihilated” ..now that is worth knowing. 

Here is a simple one when someone pisses you off because they are laughing all the time “FO” Don’t think I need to explain what that one means LOL…

How about “FU” simple enough…to the point..

here would be one of my favorites “GFY” “yourself” being the operative word here…..again simple and descriptive….
or better yet…”BM” …”ME” being the operative word…for someone who is really pissing me off…lol
So as we change the language in its written form to look more and more like Morse code…lets stop laughing so much and be more descriptive on line of serious things…like “HHBHMAC” – Hey Honey Bring Home Milk and Condoms…

There you go now…
lol

At the Movies…Cable Sucks

 

Cable is expensive and Cable sucks…Is there ever anything on worth watching?? Besides the history channel and as Maria Sheehy always reminds me Fox News, other than that anything?  Pay channels like HBO…forgetaboutit…what a joke…they know they have a couple of killer programs like Entourage and Curb Your Enthusiasm so they get you for those but the movie line up they offer, i mean it really is pathetic..for that last two weeks the only new listing HBO added to the line up was ET…now there is a recent thriller…didn’t that freak phone home like 30 years ago?? I think the kid who played in the movie just got diagnosed with alzheimer’s.   

So why the hell do I pay like 130 bucks a month for cable??
Why, because I’m a critic and I love a great movie. I don’t have time for the theatre, I hate renting and late fees and there is really no other option.
To be fair, every once in a while I stumble on a great one
Doubt…now there is a great film…if you haven’t seen it and if you went to catholic schools…its a must see. Philip Seymour Hoffman is outstanding as is Meryl Streep …Amy Adams new to the Hollywood scene for the most part…fantastic..she is a rising star…all in all just a great film… it will bring you back to the hallways of catholic schools…nuns kicking ass…always feeling like you’re in trouble with Sister Mary Vagisil….great film, on HBO now so see it.

So anyway last night I’m chimpin with Owen and we are trying to find a decent flick while we eat…the usual, nothing on really…finally settle on a Kevin Costner movie…”Swing Vote”….I mean honestly there was nothing else. So we sat down to eat and watch the film.
I came to two conclusions almost immediately..

One – there is nothing like roasted red potatoes…seriously…par boil them a bit, bathe them in extra virgin olive oil ( can a girl be extra virgin?? what would that mean I wonder?) and butter and roast away..salt, pepper and you gotabona…end of story.

Two – Kevin Costner sucks…i mean really bad. How did this guy ever make it in Hollywood??
Look back at his films…Dances with Wolves…great story, great soundtrack..I liked Standswithfist…..in fact I think she might have been extra virgin…but Costner? He sounded like he was from Hermosa beach…about as passionate as a turd….remember the scene where the crazy Indian is yelling in Navaho…”My name is twodogsfuking and you are my friend and always will be”…pivotal scene in the movie as Costner and Stands, for short, ride off into the unknown…very climatic…the expression on Costner face looked like he needed to take a shit…that bad.

Think about it all his films…they all suck. “The body guard” when he was guarding the anorexic singer….yawn..How about the classic “Waterworld”…100 million dollar bomb. Well here is a shocker, Swing Vote…just as inane and stupid as the rest…Costner gives his usual moronic performance…This movie is worth watching only if your in a coma..almost as bad as a Will Farrell movie.

Anyway I’m listening to Sheehy and tonight I’m watching Bold Fresh Bill O’Reilly and company…maybe even a little Beck 
Eat some beast for dinner too…rare I think with some fava beans and wash it down with a nice Chianti…now that was a great film.